Sudoris Calvitium

Jewish Businessman

Distinguishing features: Short, sweaty, bald; head slumped forward; expensive fashionable clothing masking unimpressive physique; loud hacking cough.

Habitat: Once widely distributed, currently only found in London, First Class lounge in Sheremetyevo-2, and Matrosska Tishina.

Danger if Provoked: Was once thought to be high. Then packs of siloviki intruded on Sudoris Calvitium’s territory, wiping out or expelling most of the ancient herds.

Mortal Weaknesses: Tall Slavic blond women.

Comments: Scientists are still debating the sudden and alarming decline of Sudoris Calvitium. While many attribute their declining population to global warming, others blame the re-introduction of packs of siloviki for nearly wiping them out.